Found this on my old blog… from the beginning of this year! When i read this today the only thing i could think about was “It’s amazing what God does when you finally give him your whole heart”

For a few weeks now God has placed the word “love” on my mind. Not only on my mind but my heart. Just to observe it! This probably won’t make sense but i will try explaining it anyway. Ever since i could remember My reflection has told me how much pain, hurt, fat, and ugly i have and am. Everyday i fight the battle of being bigger than my siblings and faced with the pain that i will never forget that happened when i was 6. Relationships mean everything to me and if you know my past you know why. Between being abandon by my own family members, losing friends, and never having a boyfriend. Everyday i was obsessed with having to like someone. In my head i NEEDED and wanted a relationship with a guy. I thought that to fit in i had to become like everyone else and lower my standards. It’s been a long journey and i can honestly say I’ve been single for 18 years of my life, I’ve been drug free/alcohol free but it hasn’t been easy nor have i always wanted it this way. There have been times where i wanted to give in to a night of “partying” with friends to a guy who only wanted one thing from me BUT because and only because the grace of God have i not. Everyday i still face the wrath of my worst fear.. my reflection and the thought of everyone being in a relationship but me (so it seems) and the wondering of when i’ll find the perfect one and when someone will actually think IM beautiful… but even though i am not perfect, and even though i have my bad days i know who i will trust, where my faith will be, and where i will land at the end of the day. Trust me everyday it’s a fight to just stand on my two feet but i do because of God’s love. These past few weeks I’ve learned about God’s love instead of “earthly” love. Yeah someday i hope to get married to the perfect one God has planned for me, but until God says i’m ready i will be waiting. It took me until my senior year to actually surrender my whole life to Christ and understand that his grace/love is enough for me. In his timing i will meet the person who will go on the walk with me but until then i will be faithfully standing alone.